Today at Fry's

I've been shopping around for an office chair recently, as the one I have at home has been paralyzing me with back pain for the last two or three weeks. So, after lunch, I took Johnny with me to Fry's Electronics, telling him about their great prices, but warning him we would be virtually on our own to find what we were looking for in their massive store.

He said no problem and we crossed the sprawling parking lot into the city-block-sized store.

Johnny decided, since he was there, to buy a new DVD player/Surround Sound speaker system combo for his elderly folks, who have trouble hearing the TV, so I took him over to that aisle. We found a nice Panasonic setup for only $199.95. DVD player, subwoofer, middle treble speaker and two rear mid-ranges included. Perfect. We grabbed the box off the shelf under the $199 sign and headed to the registers.

Johnny went to one register and I to another, as I was buying my own computer-based trifles.

As I finished up my transaction, I walked slowly toward him down the long line of registers. He stood with a confused look on his face, receipt in hand, and asked me, "Was that $329.95? Cuz... that's what the kid just charged me."

I told him, "No way! The one we grabbed was only $199.95. The Panasonic. With the small subwoofer."

He turned the box over on the counter and we both saw a $329.95 price tag and a big graphic saying, "DVD/Blu-Ray player included!"

"The other one was DVD only. We got the wrong one."

So, back to his cashier we went.

The kid behind the register said, "Oh, just take the box back to the department and they'll swap it for you. Then just come back up here to check out."

I absentmindedly said, "Really...? Does that seem right to you, Johnny? ...Johnny?"

But Johnny was already out of earshot, hurriedly carrying the giant box back to the electronics department. I rushed back through the store, trying to catch up with him.

We got back there and found some generic worker guy, who immediately tried to hand us off to someone else. He quickly grabbed the department manager, who was passing by, and explained our predicament. She said simply, "There's one up there on the top shelf. Get the steps, Gary, and get it down for them" and she was on her way.

We got the correct one, double-checking the box, and headed over to a computer terminal where a guy named Pu Tang helped us, at the nearby manager's request. (His name was Pu Tang, I swear to god. Hard not to joke about that, honestly, but I respectfully refrained.)

He finished typing god-knows-what into the terminal, ignoring both Johnny and I as we asked if he would be able to finish our transaction there, in the department. He then turned with a blank face and said, "Cummon" walking both of us back up to the registers in the front of the store.

After waiting a couple of more minutes with Pu in their candy-lined lane, we got to the register--a different register with a different cashier than the first time--and the cashier looked at our receipt, then looked at us and said, "I can't refund you without the merchandise. Where's the original merchandise? We need the merchandise to do anything up here."

Johnny and I just looked at each other, shrugged, and laughed.

Pu turned back to us and asked, "Oh yeah, where's the merchandise, you guys? It's not up here?"

We had just told Pu the whole back story in the electronics department. Like, JUST told him. Now we were both getting a tad frustrated, Johnny and I.

So, I started telling the story again and Pu interrupted me and said, "That's not what I thought you said before. That isn't our store policy. It makes no sense that someone would tell you to do that."

At that point, Johnny was ready to throttle the guy. And, to tell the truth, I wasn't too happy with dear old Pu either.

So, I said to him and to the cashier (who had been nodding in agreement with Pu the whole time), "Listen, we came here to spend money in your store. It's only because your store staff restocked the shelf incorrectly that we're even in this situation. Why would we stand here and lie to you? We just got rung up, like, five minutes ago and just told the whole story to the department manager back there! Her name is Gina, right?"

Pu and the cashier nodded.

I continued, "Yeah, we just told Gina the whole story and she hooked us up with the correct merch and now we just wanna be refunded the difference on the transaction so we can be done and leave. We have a LOT of other things to get done today, guys."

Pu then said to Johnny, "Well, can you go get the original merchandise back off the shelf please? We definitely need it up here to give you the refund you're requesting. No employee would have asked you to take the merchandise back to the department. That isn't how we do it here."

And I said (before Johnny could unleash on the guy, as I could tell he was about to), "Tell me you're joking. WE DON'T WORK HERE! Why would we need to know your procedure? We're just trying to get what we want to buy from you! What the hell is this?!"

Without another word, Johnny turned and headed toward the DVD player aisle in the back of the store.

Pu then said quietly, "If you had just followed our store's procedure, we wouldn't even be talking about this. That's why we have the procedures we--"

I countered immediately, "Are you being sarcastic right now? Because if you are, it is BEYOND inappropriate!" Then, turning from Pu to the cashier, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Johnny got back in minutes, red-faced, threw the box on the counter and yelled, "I'm not a fucking Sherpa, man! Why am I--the customer--hauling your merchandise back and forth and being called a liar?! All I want is my money back and I want it RIGHT NOW! I'm sick of being in this fucked up store! You just lost my sale--great job!"

Pu said nothing and walked us down the long aisle to the separate return-only bay of cash registers, where there was a significant line.

Johnny blurted, "I'm not waiting in another fucking line, man! I mean it: gimme my refund NOW!"

Pu, who was now starting to look a little frustrated, grabbed the nearest manager and the two of them went off into a nearby room to whisper for a few minutes, while Johnny and I waited impatiently, muttering angrily to one another.

"Can you believe this bullshit? This is fucking ridiculous!"

"Unbelievable! We're still not done!"

"What the fuck?! I've never been treated so badly!"

"I'm telling you right now, man: I'm never coming back to this dump!"

Finally the manager returned, and without apology started to ring up Johnny's refund. Pu wandered back toward his department.

The manager stopped ringing, looked up at Johnny and said, "You asked for a complete refund, but you bought an air freshener too, Sir. I don't see that here. I can't give you a refund for merchandise I don't see here in the bag, Sir."

Johnny just started laughing and said, "We're keeping the air freshener, alright? You don't have to worry about a refund on the fucking air freshener! Holy shit, this place sucks!"

The manager didn't look at either one of us. He just continued typing quickly and stared blankly at the monitor. Then he handed Johnny the four-page, letter-size, green paper receipt, said "You're all done." and walked away to another register and other waiting customers.

We walked out the doors, toward my car, silent and exhausted, thinking only about where we could get a drink.