I used to dream that I'd survive

I used to fantasize go deep into my head burrow below my skin my mind opening like a neon sign I dreamt planned schemed for how I will do it how I'll take my time lull you into a false sense of safety talk to you gently and with kindness in my eyes after sharing a meal or running errands you'll be so old by then forgetting all the things you'd done to me across the different colored scars of time I'd roll your wheelchair to the edge of the steel-edged cement stairs wait until no one is around until no one can interfere or prevent this no one can come between you me and your retribution indoors high in an office building fire stairwell or the enclosed stairs of a parking garage late at night in time for there to be no one to hear you no one to come help no one to make the hurt stop just like right now just like you're doing to me right now your eyes drunk and your fists wild just like every night for as long as I can remember just like it's never supposed to happen again like you said it would never happen again just like the whole world around us the world that sits and watches and does nothing to change as you drop tearfully to your knees and beg forgiveness exhausted a stain of tears blood and saliva on the carpet I used to fantasize as it happened leave the force of your blows up there swim deeper down away from the roiling surface away from the storm deeper inside myself surviving the closed or open fists the evil curse the spit the werewolf teeth and the eyes the belt or spoon or the stick I used to try to close my eyes disconnect see myself from across time hear my own distant cries become your cries remove myself from my ribs my spine my throbbing head turn off this day turn on the lights and bide my time just wait until I get my turn just wait